in your eyes, the stars

Someone please tell me this isn't happening. I'm scared but at the same time, not really - it's like I've totally become a third person who's too numb to feel anything. I guess I always knew something like this was going to happen - after the whole DBSK + 2PM shitfests I pretty much stopped believing in all my fandoms already - but I didn't expect it was going to happen so fast.

God, I have loved these boys since debut. I have squealed over their teaser photos and then their debut MV when it got released, I have joined in the discussion as to what to name their fanclub. And now you tell me they might disband some time soon? I just... :\

It's not exactly too much to handle, but it's hard. I once said I'd leave fandom if SHINee disbanded, but then I got tangled up with ZE:A + Infinite + Teen Top as well. And the thing is, I know they aren't going to last forever too. So I'll just go through the same heartbreak another 4.57 million times, each time becoming more jaded and less willing to believe what they say. And one day I'll end up being so filled with resentment and disillusionment I just can't bring myself to love any of them anymore, and I guess that's when I'll stop being a fangirl.

I never believed you guys would last forever - I just thought you would have lasted a little longer than this. I guess I'm already luckier than most, considering I've had the chance to love and watch over them from the start, in comparison to the people who only knew of their existence last year or something. But that also makes me a little more prone to heartbreak, and idk it feels like watching your baby die or something while you can't do anything about it.

I can't say I wish you guys had been a little stronger, because I understand that you're going through a lot more pain than us, especially with Key and his personal issues that are making him so desperate to get out of SME. I know that it's a lot of hard work, probably so much more than I would ever be able to imagine, and I appreciate the fact that you guys have managed to withstand it for more than 2 years.

I just wish things could have been a little different. I wish Korean entertainment companies weren't so fucked up. I wish they would stop mistreating their artists and beating them up and blackmailing each other and going bankrupt so easily. I wish they'd learn from JE and produce groups that last for 20 to 30 years and never disappear.

I've been getting really exhausted lately. Fandom keeps me happy and alive, but it's tiring to invest so much love and hope into it at the same time.

I don't need people telling me "don't worry it's probably all fake THEY WON'T DISBAND". More like I don't even want it. I don't want to keep telling myself that it's going to be okay and feeling even more shitty when it turns out that nothing is going to be okay. I want to keep telling myself to prepare for the worst, that sure it's going to happen but you're going to be able to ride this out, that you'll get over it, you just need time. Like hey, I did get over the 2PM shitfest after all - what makes me think that I won't be able to look back on this and think oh yeah, I was all fucked up over it once but I'm over it now?

To anyone who wants to know the situation: 1, 2, 3